Monday, January 2, 2012

The 25 Best Films of 2011

2011 was a year in which our best films delved further into deconstruction/reconstruction and grasped for legacy despite dissolution of family, memory and self.  It was a year that wasn’t afraid to search for absolutes, nor to ask questions only answered poetically.  It gave us the best film of the decade but one year in. 


“2011” movies that will have to wait for 2012: The Innkeepers, Into the Abyss 

Notably missed: I am less than excited to catch Margaret and Win Win, though, on a rare day off in late December, I nearly drove down to Tucson to catch a screening of Take Shelter.  I regret not having done so.

25. 50/50 (Jonathan Levine)
Something about Joseph Gordon-Levitt just doesn’t do it for me, but the power of the material and a spot-on performance by Anjelica Huston outweighed my reservations. 

24. Captain America: The First Avenger (Joe Johnston)
Though worried about Joss Whedon’s handling of the forthcoming Avengers, Johnston’s Americana places Captain America head-and-shoulders above any installment in the franchise.

23. Moneyball (Bennett Miller)
In late-season Arizona Diamondbacks dramatics, I asked my friend, Dan Crist if a pitcher ever dug himself so deep a hole in extra-innings and was bailed out.  The following morning I was given this response:

“Last night, Micah Owings gave up five runs in the tenth inning, but picked up the win as the Diamondbacks scored six in the bottom of the inning. Since 1919, this is the 137th time that a pitcher has given up five or more runs in relief, but picked up the win. Notable previous instances include two instances where it was done by Babe Ruth, once by Phil Collins, twice in a week by Carl Erskine of the 1949 Brooklyn Dodgers (he would later do it a third time in his career), and Eddie Rommel, who not only shares the record with Carl Erskine of accomplishing this thrice, but did it with two instances of six runs and one with the all-time record of most runs allowed by a winning relief pitcher of 14 runs (13 earned) in 17 innings of work (the starter only went one inning). Not one of these pitchers gave up (all of) their five runs in extra innings; the closest any of them came to duplicating Owings's feat was the only other pitcher to throw just one innings, Jack Knott of the 1934 St. Louis Browns, who came into a tie game in the top of the ninth and surrendered five runs to the Philadelphia Athletics before the Browns came through with six in the bottom of the inning to give him the win.”

Ladies and gentlemen, finally, the movie for Dan Crist.

22. Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol (Brad Bird)
Following a screening of The Descendants, my wife and I discussed the politics of awards season.  She was appalled to hear about the film’s presence in the critics’ circles and asked why something like the Alexander Payne picture would be nominated over Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol.  From a purely rectitudinarian perspective, I had no answer.

21. Meek’s Cutoff (Kelly Reichardt)
Pauline Kael mocks the overly socially aware white-man guilt that led ‘60s film brats to strive toward a Western “that’s fair to Indians,” citing the victimization of Native peoples as incongruent to our baseline experience of the narrative.  Meek’s Cutoff may not be the “revolution in American movies” Kael scoffed at, but Reichardt’s masterful revisioning of racial and gender politics of the old West, at a pace reminiscent of Gus Van Sant’s Gerry, paints the New American dying West in existential tones.

20. Cave of Forgotten Dreams (Werner Herzog)
“They might drag me off to the loony bin,” Herzog opined referring to the closing sequence of his 3D documentary.  Like Kinski throwing the monkey in the river, like constructed myths presented as documentary in Bells From the Deep and Lessons of Darkness, Herzog is less concerned with what is true in the absolute sense and what is true in the poetic sense.  Suffice to say, Herzog was given the distinct honor to film France’s Chauvet Cave—his cinematic story of the oldest known cinematic story—and ends the film with albino crocodiles.

19. Midnight in Paris (Woody Allen)
The further removed I am from my first screening of Midnight In Paris, the sillier it seems.  But why shouldn’t that be the point?  It’ll be nice to see Woody Allen at the Academy Awards, not merely as a prop of empty, self-congratulatory lifetime achievement, but because this film can legitimately stand with nine or so other films Hollywood chooses to recognize.  Further, it’s something of a welcome comeback for a whiffing Owen Wilson.  And the Prufrock line still kills me like his finest Annie Hall barbs.

18. The Adventures of Tintin (Steven Spielberg)
Spielberg’s Tintin hearkens to a deep-seeded, passionate love for film in a way more honest than Scorsese’s Hugo.  It strives for the love and adventure film brings, reminiscent of Saturday serials, not because film itself is the object of affection, but what it does to us.  The motion-capture looks great, the adventure is rollicking and the film is an American flop.  Go figure.

17. Tuesday, After Christmas (Radu Muntean)
Don’t call it a morality play, Muntean’s brutally meticulous unfolding of adultery allows all parties involved to speak for themselves, not without honest pain.  Though not realistic in the vérité sense—takes are often long, still and gaze-oriented—our observations of the depth of human emotion register because of formal, cinematic decisions.

16. I Saw the Devil (Kim Ji-woon)
In many ways the anti-David Fincher film, I Saw The Devil is a brutal, visceral and completely unsuspenseful revenge tale.  Like last year’s Mother, I Saw the Devil is a Korean take on American filmic influence, examining the breaking point at which man becomes monster.  And it makes us experience every unpleasant bit of the journey.

15. Le Quattro volte (Michaelangelo Frammartino)
There’s been something of a renaissance in animal husbandry pictures, what with last year’s Sweetgrass and this year’s Le Quattro volte.  In Frammartino’s silent feature (more so than either Lech Majewski’s striking The Mill and the Cross or Michel Hazanavicius’s pedestrian-to-the-point-of-insult The Artist) it’s a well-turned metaphor of passing and rebirth in a medieval village in which the poetry of the quiet everyday weighs heavily.

14. Fright Night (Craig Gillespie)
Further proof, alongside last year’s The Crazies, that hating horror remakes on principle is unfounded.

13. Poetry (Lee Chang-dong)
Add Lee to the growing list of unquestionable international talent coming from the cinematic hotbed of South Korea.  Poetry follows Yun Jeong-hie as a 66-year-old custody-holding grandmother approaching the verge of dementia.  It’s a thing of rare beauty, like the best films of the last few years, painfully grasping for legacy in what is becoming a uniquely Korean subtext dark as pitch.

12. Rise of the Planet of the Apes (Rupert Wyatt)
Most-Crow-Eaten award of the year goes to my dismissal of Rise of the Planet of the Apes following the initial, lowbrow trailers.  It would be condescending to refer to it as any sort of shock or miracle; I was simply wrong.  A decade after 9/11, our best films still clutch phoenix symbolism, even if the focus is heavly skewed toward the ashes.  In a year internationally rife with dementia films (A Separation, Poetry, The Descendants, 50/50), it sometimes takes the popcorn blockbuster to show how deeply affected our public consciousness is with legacy.

11. Drive Angry (Patrick Lussier)
Academy Award Nominations for Best Supporting Actor if there were any justice:
Albert Brooks – Drive
Colin Farrell – Fright Night
William Fichtner – Drive Angry
Christopher Plummer – Beginners
Andy Serkis – Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Our own Christopher Centanni referred to Drive Angry as an "existential essential" which, if I didn't feel quite as deeply about, should at least have been Tarantino's favorite movie of the year with Nic Cage going full-Vampire's Kiss.  A hell of a good time that I'm not afraid to say deserves a Criterion release.

10. Tomboy (Céline Sciamma)
Earlier this year I picked nits with Sciamma’s feature-length debut, Water Lilies (in this blog’s most-read article, sorry Elvis) in what, after seeing her deeper, more mature, and similar-themed Tomboy, appears to lack in chops, not material.  Sciamma gets virtuoso performances from two children, Zoé Héran and Melonn Lévana that, beyond the eponymous source material, fleshes a relationship of sisterhood unparalleled in cinema.


9. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (Tomas Alfredson)
I didn’t think it possible, used to bloated Bond flicks of similar length, for Alfredson to appropriately and deliberately transpose the seminal spy novel to appropriate feature length, given BBC’s 315-minute version in 1979.  Alfredson’s deliberate nihilism is shocking this green in his career and, coupled with Gary Oldman’s Oscar-worth performance (though I fear he will be snubbed even a nomination), there are moments when this adaptation even transcends its source material.  That being said, the audience needs to bring its A-game to the table.  It’s wordy, it’s smart, and it knows it.


8. Source Code (Duncan Jones)
Source Code is the sci-fi picture Inception fanboys should have wanted.  Its tropes and twists are dosed methodically in an intelligent popcorn film that transcends genre.  It presents a meta, fragmented world that demands reconstruction as its only source of survival and turns the axiom “we live, as we dream – alone” on its head.


7. Certified Copy (Abbas Kiarostami)
Speaking of Inception, the mist has burnt away enough now that we can laugh at every Facebook status update that read “mind=blown,” can’t we?  I dare you to check your timeline.  But really, what was so confusing about a film in which every piece was explained like a roadmap by a talking head?  Enter Abbas Kiarostami’s Certified Copy, a film that reminds of Before Sunrise until we are forced to retrace each cobblestone for our dizzying lack of foundation.  Insufficient and condescending to pigeonhole as a mere relational metaphor, Certified Copy, like Source Code, like Poetry, like Le Quattro volte, like Cave of Forgotten Dreams, like Nostalgia for the Light, restructures legacy.  Mind=blown.


6. The Black Power Mixtape 1967-1975 (Göran Olsson)
Though more traditionally “documentary” than the average Herzog documentary, Göran Olsson’s reconstructed found-footage documentary The Black Power Mixtape 1967-1975 shares its philosophy with Herzog in that films tells our own story and documentary is anything but objective.  And like the more positively received (if highly structured) A Separation, perhaps truth is found in multiple layers.


5. We Need To Talk About Kevin (Lynne Ramsay)
Imagine Gus Van Sant’s Elephant through a microscope.  It’s the details in Lynne Ramsay’s We Need To Talk About Kevin that are even more telling than Tilda Swinton’s astounding performance.  Is Ramsay honestly drawing Eisensteinian montage between a tomato-throwing festival and a bloodbath?  A shot lingers on ants devouring a smeared peanut butter sandwich.  And is that really the time for a Andy Warhol sight gag?  The dread is so deep, laughs come intensified and are immediately questioned.  We Need To Talk About Kevin is the best horror film since Antichrist, and I’m still not convinced it isn’t a comedy.


4. Nostalgia for the Light (Patricio Guzmán)
On paper, Guzmán’s thesis sounds wholly contrived: Astronomers flock to Chile because its atmosphere connects them to a grander, Tree of Life-scale picture.  At the same time, Chile’s recent political climate represents a deliberate disconnect to their past.  However, the earnestness of his philosophy is the glue that binds the picture together.  The documentary is beautiful and haunting in its scope and not only seeks the answers to eternal questions, but believes it knows where to find them.


3. 13 Assassins (Takeshi Miike)
Miike’s Red Cliff, 13 Assassins is a samurai picture by way of spaghetti Western by way of samurai picture by way of Shakespeare.  Like Woo’s Red Cliff, it is epic in scope, traditional in tone, rather straight-laced (by Miike standards) and career-defining.


2. Drive (Nicolas Winding Refn)
Drive is arguably more neo-noir and more Los Angeles than L.A. Confidential.  It’s a Michael Mann movie more effortless in the self-referential and influence than the excellent Collateral.  Ryan Gosling is a classic noir loner, haunting in his empty-eyed stare.  Even when we know situations are bound to turn south, the violence is shocking, visceral and beautiful, accented by the slow-burn relation between characters.  Drive is the real deal, and it’s a shame my love for this movie is overshadowed by…


1. The Tree of Life (Terrence Malick)
I purposely avoided any buzz surrounding Malick’s Tree of Life, and the hoopla of boos, walkouts and d’Or’s at Cannes weighed heavily on my psyche.  The opportunity of two Malick pictures in six years seemed too good to be true, let alone one that might earn the respect that eluded The New World

But I kept hearing murmurings.  Offhand remarks like “it’s very autobiographical in the abuse he felt under his father.  Plus he wanted to wait ‘til the technology caught up to render the dinosaurs” BAFFLED me.  The casting of Sean Penn could have jumped the shark for me, but instead I got a game-changer.

The Tree of Life poked holes in the work of modern auteurs like Darren Aronofsky and Lars von Trier and, whose weighty Melancholia couldn’t escape an air of pretension (consider that the most affecting moment to come from the work was Jens Lekman’s 3-minute, 44-second-long “Waiting for Kirsten” which nearly equals the length of von Trier’s grounded direction in his film’s prologue.)  It baffles me that The Tree of Life is dismissed as pretentious by critics who pick Melancholia as film of the year.  Not that Melancholia is a bad movie; only that it reads as a film that bit off more than it could chew.

Whereas Malick’s handling is the epitome of anti-pretension: it flawlessly removes the diametric between secular and sacred and aspires to truth that links art to humanity.  It is, every last ounce, honest and beautiful and true to the art form I hold dear.  It isn’t simply a gushing love-letter like Scorsese’s Hugo which treats film as the end-all; it inspires beyond the bounds of the medium.  The Tree of Life is dwarfing, moving, changing, awestruck, inspired and all-encompassing of the human experience.  It isn’t merely the film of the year, but a film for all time.

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Wednesday, November 23, 2011

What Tricia's Thankful For - 2011

Thanksgiving is supposed to be a day to confess what you feel grateful for. I mean, more than anything it’s about celebrating the greatest of the deadly sins and watching football, but traditionally people express feelings that go beyond the tightness of the belt. Not in my family exactly, but I hear people do it all the time…
Rather than list all the things I love in my life right now, and not because I don’t have a whole lot going on, here is my list as pertains to this movie/TV blog, though we update it scarcely, it still has a theme.


This year, I am thankful for…

Hollywood. In the summer of 2009 I saw a total of ten movies. And while they were not all winners, the fact remains that there were ten movies in three months that I wanted to see. In all of 2011 I don’t think I’ve seen half that. So THANK YOU, HOLLYWOOD for helping me save money by putting out complete crap this year.

My DVR. All that money I saved from the cinema went to a worthy cause, don’t worry. I’m a tad behind, but this year I finally got a DVR and it is superb. As bad as big budget movies were this year, TV was exceptional. Speaking of which, let’s get to that…

CHUCK. Thank you, NBC for giving "Chuck" one last season to give us devoted fans an ending we deserve. You don’t always make the best decisions (I’ll get back to you when I write my TV New Years Resolutions list) but we fans notice when you let us have a good thing even if it isn’t the best idea business wise. Also, it helps that "Chuck" has been so great this final season.

Wednesdays. I have something great to watch every night of the week and, make no mistake, Thursday is still my special friend, but Wednesday really stepped up its game this season. I have the awesome ABC comedy line up of "The Middle," "Suburgatory," "Modern Family," and "Happy Endings" – seriously, these shows rock, to start the night. I also do a little recording of NBC’s "Up All Night" (Maya Rudolph = Goddess). Then it’s my favorite new show "Revenge," which just slayed me with this week’s episode. Add on top of that the glorious sixth season of "Psych!" IT’S THE PERFECT NIGHT. Just think how insane it’d be if I was caught up on "Criminal Minds" and "CSI" and was watching those too! Madness, this day, madness!

The return of the Muppets. I’m not a Muppet historian by any means, but like everyone else I grew up watching and laughing with them. I believe I even went as Miss Piggy for Halloween when I was a toddler, so there. The fact that they are everywhere right now does not upset me at all. I honestly can’t wait to see the movie. And I can only hope it beats the new Twilight movie at the box office this weekend.

Maria Bamford. This time of the year, we TV lovers get bombarded with holiday themed commercials. It’s exhausting. But there is one series of commercials I do not wish to fast forward through. I’d like to honestly exclaim my love for the Target ads. Not only do they crack me up, but Maria Bamford, who plays the crazy Black Friday trained shopper, is my absolute favorite comedian. I could watch her go backward on that stairmaster all day; and I do, it’s on every commercial break.





Friends Reruns. It’s been a bazillion years and around this season I get a hankerin’ for those epic Thanksgiving episodes. My absolute favorite? Probably The One with All the Thanksgivings. Joey with a turkey stuck on his head? Yes, please.

I could keep going. In fact this is already longer than I expected, but I must stop somewhere. Feel free to add what you’re thankful for in the comments!

I will leave you with this, one of my favorite SNL Thanksgiving sketches.




Happy Turkey Day!

PS- I promise to have the next installment of my TV Challenge soon, I got behind in my reviews, but do not worry, I have completed the challenge thus far.

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Sunday, October 2, 2011

Tricia's New TV Challenge, Part III

The challenge: I watch and then review each new show’s pilot episode on the big five networks; ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, and The CW. This is going to be the year I do it. Check out Part One here and Part Two here.


Let's get to it:

Pan Am, ABC – Sundays, 10/9c

Pan Am premiered last Sunday and can be watched on hulu.com

As much as I’d like to get into the feminist argument inherent here in this show, I’m going to step aside that and review the show for what it is. And what is it? Simply put, it’s a show that thinks pretty highly of itself. The pilot episode accomplished so much in an hour introducing the characters and their individual storylines as well as establishing the main character that the company itself plays must have been a daunting task. That being said, “Pan Am” did a great job filling the viewer in as well as entertaining them. By the end of the episode you get a pretty good idea of who each character is and what it is they think they want. For the women, of course, it’s to see the world. For the men, it’s mostly about getting laid, with one wanting and not getting a little more. It’s clear here that “Pan Am” was created as an anti-“Mad Men,” one in which women hold the power in their lives (or so they would have it seem) but also get to wear the super cute fashions of the sixties. As much as I’d like to be able to comment on this fully I don’t watch “Mad Man” (which would bring up a whole other feminist argument) but I can say that all the glitz and glamour that this particular show attempts to conjure up isn’t as impressive as they’d like it to be.

During the opening sequence, we see a panic as crew members try to locate their “purser”- a flight attendant named Bridget. She has disappeared and apparently, this flight cannot take off without a purser, so they call a young woman who has been “grounded” due to breaking dress code. If you were wondering what role Christina Ricci played, you’d be right to assume she’d be a rule breaker. Ricci’s character is nowhere near the airport when they call, so they tell her to hurry on to headquarters and she takes a private helicopter to the tarmac. This sequence with the helicopter proved to be the jumping off point as far as how ridiculous this could get in the future. The tone of the show makes it seem as if Pan Am the company changed the world. That these flight attendants were a “new breed of women.” That in the skies of these planes was a world filled with mystery and intrigue. That little girls were seeing for the first time that they didn’t have to grow up to be someone’s wife or mother. And as you watch, you almost believe it. The vibrant colors of the sixties and the pretty faces of these women who are all decent actors are somewhat intoxicating. But then you remember that it’s all just fiction. It’s a TV show. And, as much as I like TV, all of it must be taken with a grain of salt. Can the show keep this up? I’ll believe it when I see it.

Prediction: It has the ability to last, but I can see it going in some pretty dumb places. If it can keep the audience’s attention without getting kooky on us, it could last for a while. Or we could get bored during the first season.


Terra Nova, FOX – Mondays, 8/7c

Terra Nova premiered with a two hour event last week, you can catch up on hulu.com

I’m sorry? Did you say dinosaurs? I’m in. No, I don’t care what it’s about. There’s dinosaurs.

I seriously considered just leaving that as my review. I’m a nerd, I like dinosaurs. Then add in a futuristic dystopia. Then time travel. Ok, now I’m in. Basically, “Terra Nova” is about a family living in the 22nd century on Earth, where it’s dangerous to breathe the air and the government only allows you two children. Jason O’Mara plays Jim Shannon, a cop who gets put into prison for two years after the powers that be discover he and his wife have a third child and he gets a little aggressive about it. When his wife gets called into the Terra Nova project, he has to break out of prison in order to sneak their third child in. In where, you ask? Well, Terra Nova is a settlement that is 85 Million years in the past, but not in our past, in a different “time stream,” so there’s no chance of disrupting the time space continuum (I may have combined what I understood about the cleverly snuck in explanation with my knowledge of time travel I learned from Doc Brown). Why didn’t they travel to a different time where they might not have to fight off carnivorous lizards every night? They did not create the rip in space/time, they only discovered it. At least that’s what they tell the ordinary folk. There’s a mysterious element to this place that they hint at, heavily, in the pilot episode and I’m sure our main characters will discover parts of it sooner or later.

The show drops us into a strange world but does so in a familiar way; no matter the amount of dinosaurs or the militia presence make no mistake; this show is first and foremost a family drama. Shannon was away from his family for two years and now he must protect them from the world and some unsavory characters. Luckily, each family member is interesting in their own right and as they discover Terra Nova, so will we. Each performance is good, especially if you consider most of their job is probably to look at a tennis ball and look afraid. And the show itself has all the earmarks of a decent science fiction show; we’re not entirely sure who the Shannon family should trust, this world is foreign and dangerous (and gross!), and there are ominous signs everywhere. There is no reason why most of us can’t love this show.

One note about the dinosaurs: I’m always entertained when people complain about when dinosaurs don’t look real, when the truth of the matter is, we don’t really know what they look like. We have skeletons and make judgments about their skins and scales but really don’t know one hundred percent what they were like. That being said, “Terra Nova’s” dinos are clearly animated and perhaps not as good as a Jurassic Park version, but the entire idea of watching a science fiction show is to do so with suspending your disbelief. I mean, if you’re willing to believe for a couple of hours that these people escaped a poisonous Earth by traveling back in time and space, I think you can deal with some CGI dinos.

Prediction: FOX can not keep a show at this timeslot. In fact last season they canceled two shows I loved that shared the 7/8c timeslot. Perhaps they’ll get lucky with this one now that “Chuck” has moved to Fridays and us nerds need something to watch at 7. But the fact is, if this show doesn’t pull in major ratings early, they won’t be able to afford to keep it on the air. It really makes me wish Syfy had picked it up instead. Fingers crossed it’ll stay on at least long enough for me to see a triceratops.


Hart of Dixie, The CW – Mondays, 8/9c

This premiered last week, go to cwtv.com to watch it.

After a few years away from The CW, I can honestly say that I’m impressed with the shows they premiered this season. Sure, there’s only been three, but each has it’s own strengths and are, at the very least, entertaining. “Hart of Dixie” is no exception. It’s completely unrealistic and certainly not original, but it’s cute and gives you plenty of reasons to come back for more.

Rachel Bilson may be the second most adorable star on this new season (second to Zooey of course). She plays the feisty, funny fish out of water Dr. Zoe Hart who inherits part of a practice in Bluebell, Alabama. She sets up shop down there to work on her bedside manner, or lack there of. Get it? Her name is Hart and she has to work on her heart. What this show lacks in subtlety it makes up for with charm. Bilson has never been a great actress, but she has charm for miles. As does every other actor on the show and though the situations will be familiar in just about every episode, they fact remains that these people are likable, even the ones that aren’t.

A show like this hasn’t been around in a while; we’ve been so consumed with gritty realism and offensive materials that “Hart of Dixie” is like a sweet southern drawl calming us into submission. It will share a smile and a sea tea with you if you let it. And I hope you do.

Prediction: With the lead in of “Gossip Girl” I don’t see it not doing well. I hope to get a few seasons out of it.


Suburgatory, ABC – Wednesdays, 7:30/8:30c

hulu.com is the place to find this.

Finally. I’ve been waiting for ABC to find a decent comedy to follow the Heck family. Wednesday’s comedy lineup highlight has always been “Modern Family,” but “The Middle” may be the most underappreciated comedy on television. That being said, the last few shows they’ve tried to pair with it have come up short. “Suburgatory” on the other hand, is a promising comedy featuring yet another untraditional family (dad and teenaged daughter) who are, much like the above’s Dr. Hart, fish out of water when dad moves them to the suburbs after deciding that maybe the big city isn’t the best place to raise a child.

The show is pretty over the top, making out the moms of the suburbs and their kin to be mindless Sugar Free Red Bull drinking robots with blond hair and short skirts, but the jokes work. And you have to assume that some of these stereotypes will be broken down as the series goes on. We’ve already seen chinks in the armor of our lead character Tessa when she discovers what it’s like to own something “pretty,” so it’s only a matter of time before she affects the ‘burbs and it affects her.

Prediction: I don’t really have many complaints about this show, other than the voice over narration, but I can over look that for the time being. If they can prove themselves to be more than just a fish out of water comedy, it can be a great show. Jury is out, but I think it’ll get the full season pick up.

How to be a Gentleman, CBS – Thursdays, 7:30/8:30c

This premiered last week and you can watch it on cbs.com

I’m all about gender equality, so I’m perfectly ok with CBS premiering a show about two guys’ budding friendship out of being opposites just a week after premiering a show about two women with an almost identical premise. And for some reason, I think I liked this one better. Just a little better, I mean, I’m not going to DVR it or anything, but the lead of David Hornsby (Rickety Cricket for It’s Always Sunny fans) is surprisingly likeable for a guy that’s not really all that in touch with what it means to be a “guy.”
Hornsby’s Andrew is a writer who has to change up his column when the magazine he works for is bought. He can no longer write about manners and when it’s appropriate to wear a vest, he has to appeal to everyday men who really only read box scores. Someway he meets up with his old high school bully, played by Kevin Dillon, and they forge a friendship based on Dillon’s Bert teaching Andrew how to be a real man. Dillon is, well, he’s the same actor he was on “Entourage” so make your own decision there. My favorite part of the cast, however, was Rhys Darby, who plays Andrew’s wuss of a brother-in-law and Mary Lynn Rajkub as his sister Janet, this relationship was at least interesting and unlike most we see on TV, if not completely unhealthy.

Prediction: This show is not going to win any awards, it may not even last a whole season, but it’s better than “$#!* My Dad Says” which premiered to better numbers a year ago. Maybe people will give it a chance. Maybe they won’t. Either way, I’m watching “Parks and Recreation” so what do I care?

So there you go! Stick around for next time. I'm going to do it!

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Sunday, September 25, 2011

Tricia's New TV Challenge, Part II

Here’s what the challenge is all about: I watch and then review each new show’s pilot episode on the big five networks; ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, and The CW. This is going to be the year I do it. Check out Part One here.

This past week was the big week. I’ve got eight new shows here for you. Add in all the returning shows I normally watch and I watched 19 premiere episodes of television this week. Not counting the stuff that had premiered previously and I was watching subsequent episodes of or the shows on cable. My apartment is a mess. But I challenged myself. And I can’t let me win.


2 Broke Girls, CBS – Mondays, 8:30/7:30c

You can watch the pilot on CBS.com

Has anyone else ever noticed that anytime a movie star shows up on a sitcom they appear to be overacting like a fiend? They could be insanely talented on the big screen, but something happens when they set foot on that soundstage. My favorite example of this is Brad Pitt’s appearance on “Friends,” as funny as the guest spot was, it was just painful at parts. Another, more recent example, is Matt Dillon on “Modern Family;” not his best stuff. Kat Dennings is not exactly a movie star, but she’s definitely suffering from this phenomenon. We all know her best from movies like House Bunny and Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist, and interestingly enough she plays more or less the exact same character in everything she’s ever been in. “2 Broke Girls” is no exception, she still plays a cute snarky girl with an acidic tongue. But somehow on this program she’s less convincing, almost like the live studio audience makes her uncomfortable. And who could blame her? She has to wait those extra beats as they laugh and I imagine nothing could feel more unnatural for an actor who is used to only needing to cater to the camera.

I wish I could say Dennings’ acting is the biggest hurdle this show has to overcome, after all that is something that could be worked on and fixed. But “2 Broke Girls” also has to deal with its predictable writing and repetitive story line. Here’s the breakdown, a former rich girl whose daddy pulled off some pretty heinous white collar crimes ends up in a Brooklyn diner looking for a job out of the way of high society and meets another girl, who is used to being poor and holds down two jobs. They bond despite their differences and ultimately move in together and come up with a plan to open their own bakery shop in a year (there’s even a running total of their savings that will appear throughout the series.) Did I mention that by the end of the show there’s a horse living on the patio of their apartment? Yeah, there’s that too.

Beth Behrs is perhaps the brightest part of the show as Caroline the rich- turned- broke girl. Hopefully, her ease in delivery and confidence will rub off on Dennings who at this point looks to be faking it. Though part of the issue could be just in her character; this show is co-produced by comedian Whitney Cummings (whose own show also premiered this week, see below) and it’s pretty clear Dennings’ Max is based on her own humor and personality and seeing how I find Cummings grating, it only makes sense Max would annoy me as well.

Prediction: This show has all the markings of a CBS comedy and since it’s on between “How I Met Your Mother” and the retooled “2 & a Half Men” there’s no reason why it shouldn’t do well. And if Dennings and the writing staff can figure this whole sitcom thing out, there’s also no reason why it can’t be more than mediocre. Except for that horse. Get rid of the dumb horse. I give it at least a season two pick up.

The Playboy Club, NBC – Mondays, 10/9c

You can watch the pilot episode on hulu.com or nbc.com

You know how sometimes you challenge yourself to watch all the pilot episodes of all the new shows of the season? And how this means watching a few shows that you have no interest in and were pretty confident you wouldn’t like? And then one of those shows ends up surprising you? No? Just me? Well, that’s how I ended up feeling about “The Playboy Club.” And, frankly, I’m a little upset about it. How dare NBC make me think I was tuning in to a somewhat brainless, boring, attempt at getting viewers based solely on pretty girls in leotards and bunny ears with a little Eddie Cibrian thrown in for the ladies. Instead, I got a group of interesting characters who I honestly want to know more about.

Sure, it isn’t a perfect show. Cibrian overacts in everything and this is no different. They attempt to grab us with some lame story involving a dead mafia don who put his hands on the wrong new bunny, but what really piqued my interest was the slow unraveling of who these girls are (especially the storyline fronted by Leah Renee Cudmore’s Alice). This show is less about the Club and more about the women behind the ears and fluffy tails. How did they end up here? What are they looking for? What do they have to lose? This is what will keep me tuning in for at least a few more episodes. Not the love triangle. Not the tension supplied by the mafia’s presence. Not the wonder if we’ll ever see Hugh Heffner’s face (he’s pulling a Charlie Townsend thus far). But the girls, which is interesting considering this is what kept the Key Club members coming back as well.

Prediction: I don’t think many people will look past the expected any more than I wanted to, so I don’t think it will be around much longer. Of course I could be wrong, but it is up against “Castle” and “Hawaii Five-0” both of which have pretty dedicated fans who are the target demographic of the show. I don’t expect a full season.


Unforgettable, CBS – Tuesdays, 10/9c

Go to CBS.com to watch the pilot.

Those bunnies have got nothin’ on Poppy Montgomery. No matter what I thought of this show the fact remains: she is the most attractive person on television. And I’m including the boys from “Supernatural” on this.

This was the last show to be cleared from my DVR this week. Not because I was dreading it, exactly, but because I knew what I was going to get. This is a standard procedural show, only Poppy plays a former cop who has the ability/curse to never forget anything. She has one of those freaky memories where she can conjure up any moment as long as she was there to solve a crime, except the one she really wants to solve; her own sister’s murder. Dun dun dunnnn.

There isn’t anything bad about this show. It was well acted, directed and the storyline was almost believable (you’ll have to excuse me that I don’t totally buy that she can notice new things when going “into” her memories). But all in all it wasn’t really exciting or new. Perfect for the CBS crowd. Boring for me.

Prediction: CBS will have to fight ABC’s “Body of Proof” for the demos they’re looking for. Luckily, it’s CBS and they have loyal viewership (read: old people). If this show was on Fridays it would clean up. But it is possible it’s too ordinary even for the typical crowd. I give it a 40% chance of survival.

The X Factor, FOX - --

Just kidding. I don’t watch reality TV.

Charlie’s Angels, ABC – Thursdays, 8/7c

Hulu.com can give you a look at the pilot episode.

Someone please give me the hour I spent on this show back. Can we all just agree that even the original “Charlie’s Angels” show was horrible? The original thrived on hair flips and the intentional cheese factor and the winks and nods this reboot gives to those things are just groan worthy. The only way this could have worked is if they went in a totally different, dark place which they tried, to a certain extent, by making the angels former criminals rather than cops (though one was a dirty cop). And I appreciate how Bosley is not completely useless in this version as a hacker who can hold a gun. And I especially appreciate how this isn’t an extension of the movie versions Drew Barrymore produced a few years back (Barrymore also produces the series, if you couldn’t tell by the number of Cover Girl commercials).

To be fair, there was one good thing about this re-boot. Minka Kelly was convincing as the former gang member out for revenge who in the end joins the agency. Her mixture of toughness and vulnerability was impressive and I found myself wishing ABC had just developed a show around her – one without the rest of this cast, who were clearly trying too hard. She’s going to be a big star one day and ABC is going to wish they treated her better. I guess there’s always next year.

Prediction: I’m not sure how it hasn’t been canceled yet.

Person of Interest, CBS – Thursdays, 8/9c

Go to CBS.com for the first episode.

A machine was created in order to sift through all the data acquired from the implementation of the Patriot Act. This machine uses the information to determine where significant loss of life will occur. It also determines the “insignificant” deaths but since the government is only interested in terrorist plots those numbers go straight to the trash. The developer of this machine decides to recruit an ex-operative to help save those on that latter list. Basically, this is “Early Edition” – the show where the guy gets tomorrow’s newspaper today- but Jim Caviezel kicks ass and gets out of impossible situations without so much of a blink. Another attempt by CBS to trick us into thinking this is not a typical procedural, “Person of Interest” is adequately performed and written but its attempt to make the audience believe this machine is watching by showing the always on security cameras and giving the feeling of Big Brother is unsettling but also feels cliché. The machine spits out social security numbers and it’s up to Jesus to track down, then protect or take out the owner of that number.

CBS wants me to think this is a different kind of show since it’s produced by JJ Abrams. That’s a good argument since Abrams gave us “Lost” and my personal favorite “Fringe” but “Person of Interest” feels so familiar. And if it was going to give me something new and exciting, don’t you think the pilot episode would be the place to do it?

Prediction: If it keeps it typical, CBS fans will embrace it, but it didn’t give fans of science fiction enough to get behind it right away. It could get good, but I’m not sure it will be around long enough to get to the interesting stuff, like what happens when your number comes up? (Loom of Fate, anyone?)

Whitney, NBC – Thursdays, 8:30/9:30c

You can watch this on hulu.com, but please, save yourself.

Whitney Cummings’ stand up act is about the differences between men and women. And how women act unreasonably sometimes. And yelling. There’s a lot of yelling into that microphone. So go ahead and guess what her sitcom is about?

I won’t lie, there were a few moments where I laughed or cracked a smile, but I’m still not sure if that was because I found the moment funny or if the studio audience just tricked me into laughing with them. But then that begs the question, who tricked them into laughing?

I’m going to break this down. Each network has a sitcom style and way to produce a comedy program that is uniquely theirs and anytime they venture outside of that, we notice and it’s just distracting. ABC currently has the monopoly on family based, silly, single camera comedies. FOX has a few quirky single camera shows, but really hits on their inappropriate animated shows (we’ll call them sitcoms for the purpose of this). NBC has the workplace type single camera operations that take risks and are the favorites to TV snobs like myself. And then CBS takes the cake on safe, multi-camera shows, with studio audiences/laugh tracks and flat characters. Basically, what I’m saying here, is that “Whitney” should be on CBS and needs to get off my Thursday Night NBC lineup before I lose it.

Honestly, if I talk anymore about this show, I’m going to start getting mean. So let’s just move on.

Prediction: Canceled by midseason.


Prime Suspect, NBC – Thursdays, 9/10c

Find it on hulu.com

Oh, look! Another procedural! In case you guys were wondering if I liked anything this past week, know that I really enjoyed this one. It feels a little dated at times, because I like to think there are more female detectives out there than this show makes it sound, but that could be because I watch a lot of TV. Maria Bello uglies herself up as the new homicide detective who can’t get any respect in the boys club that is the NYPD. Rumor has it, she slept her way into the department and the fellas aren’t too happy about it. Bello is great as she navigates back and forth from opportunistic ladder climber to astute detective with her own style. Yeah, we’ve seen it before, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done again well. It’s pretty obvious as Jane Timoney works through her first case, (which she got by being insanely pushy after another detective, who stole the case first, dies) that these men she comes up against take issue with how she conducts herself. Meaning, she does things as a man would. Jane doesn’t bring a maternal instinct to the case, she isn’t anyone’s “good cop” and if she were a man, they would have immense respect for her, but because she’s a woman, she doesn’t conduct herself as a lady and therefore is a total bitch. So, naturally, I love her.

NBC has issues with this timeslot, so I’m not sure my liking this show will help it out any, especially seeing as it is just another procedural. Great lead character aside, it’s pretty clear it needs something else to hook a wider audience. Hopefully, we can see the lives of some of her supporting characters. I want to see these men give in and make her feel welcome one cop at a time. And then I want to see her mess up and lose a little of their respect again. We’re led to believe that this woman is not even close to being perfect, so hopefully, that means she’ll continue to be flawed.

Prediction: Your guess is as good as mine. Are audiences sick of procedurals unless they’re on CBS? Maybe. This show may prove that.

A Gifted Man, CBS – Fridays, 8/7c

CBS.com is where you can watch this.

Finally! Something to replace “The Ghost Whisperer.” “A Gifted Man” is about a successful NY surgeon played by Patrick Wilson who is a little self-centered. One night, he runs into his ex-wife, who he clearly still has feelings about, then has a great night catching up. The next day, he finds out his ex is actually expired, as in dead. Being a neurosurgeon he immediately suspects a tumor (though it is a little weird that he had to google it) and then decides he’s crazy. But he isn’t. Turns out she came to him because she needs him to help her finish her work. You see, while he was out making lots of money and cutting open people’s heads, she was making a difference in a free clinic.

Basically, this looks like it’s going to be one of the most predictable shows of all time. He’s going to learn how to care about people who aren’t himself and his sister and nephew (whom he barely cares about at this point) and continue to pine for a dead woman. Seriously, though, that can’t be healthy. Again, this show is well done for what it is. Wilson is convincing and shows us that movie actors can act in dramas. And I’m sure it is appealing to some people out there (read: old people) but not to me.

Prediction: Friday night CBS fans are going to love this.

And that’s finally over. Stay tuned for Part Three next week, which should only have five entries.


Click Here, Nimrods...

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Tricia's New TV Challenge

Hello! Summer is over and fall premieres have begun! This means one thing, it’s time for my yearly pilot challenge. It’s simple really, every year as the new shows premiere I challenge my TV Obsessed self to watch the first episode of every new scripted network television show. And this year it gets even bigger now that I’ve reinstated The CW into my challenge – they found a loophole in my boycott since canceling “Veronica Mars” by bringing Sarah Michelle Gellar back to TV. And, yes, it’s exhausting being this big of a geek.

If you were wondering, I have yet to actually complete my challenge. I got close last year, but was unable to make myself watch “Law & Order: Los Angeles.” I just couldn’t watch another one of those.

This year, I’m doing it and you’re going to help me stay accountable. So let’s get started with a few previews I got to experience and then a few that premiered this past week.

New Girl, FOX – Tuesdays, 8/9c

“New Girl” has been available to watch OnDemand and on Hulu.com for a few weeks now. It premieres for real on Tuesday.

I think it’s safe to say that FOX’s “New Girl,” is one of the most looked forward to new shows this season. And how could it not be? Have you seen Zooey Deschanel? Luckily, there is more to this show than her adorableness. If you’ve seen the trailer for this show, you may be disappointed in the pilot episode, because you see most of what happens in the trailer. But, fear not, this is a television show, meaning there will be more episodes and more funny moments; it’s not a movie where you sit through it for two hours and wonder why people are laughing hysterically at stuff you saw a hundred times during commercial breaks of Sunday Night Football. There will be more funny moments, each week. Or at least, that’s the understanding of how a sitcom works. And this sitcom certainly works.

The great thing about Deschanel’s character Jess is that while she plays a dork, no one expects us think she’s not an attractive dork. Jess breaks up with her live in boyfriend and needs a place to live, ASAP. So she answers an internet ad and we get the not so original “Odd Couple” plotline. She moves in with three guys who are funny and well developed in their own right. That was my fear watching this episode; would it be three normal guys trying to deal with a girl crying on the couch making Lord of the Rings references? No, it’s three guys with their own quirks and issues, designed to make sure the entire show’s burden doesn’t fall on Deschanel’s shoulders. Unfortunately, Damon Wayans Jr played a pretty great role in the pilot episode that is going to be written out due to his commitment to his other show, ABC’s “Happy Endings.” This sucks mainly because his “Coach,” was perhaps my favorite of the three roommates, as the personal trainer who was told he’d have to work on how he deals with women; his subtlety was well done and I’ll miss it.

Bottom line, “New Girl” is still one of my most looked forward to shows this season. Honestly, I’ve always thought the female dork demographic has been one of the most neglected demos in TV. Women are usually either put together or a total wreck; rarely are they as complex as I expect Jess to be.

Prediction: “New Girl” will do great between “Glee” and “Raising Hope.” I predict it will be renewed for a second season.

Revenge, ABC – Wednesdays, 9/10c

“Revenge” was made available to those who downloaded the pilot script From Kindle via a passcode. It premieres this Wednesday after ABC’s awesome comedies.

I had super low expectations for this show. I’ve found that every year since “Lost” premiered networks have been trying insanely hard to get us wound up about a mystery/thriller show. Trying to recreate the love viewers had for that show is just pointless. You can’t plan something like that. Anyway, I was wrong. For the most part, “Revenge” is very upfront about it’s intentions. Basically, it’s about watching someone take down a group of horrible rich people. I have no idea how this show will keep going for years, but I can say that I’m willing to watch until it turns me off. There’s nothing really great about it; the performances are good and the tension builds well enough. It’s just that it’s a fun show to watch. Easy as that. Watching Emily VanCamp’s character mess with people and enjoy every moment is fantastic and rooting for her is easy. At least it is in Episode 1. I imagine a few wrenches in works in the future, because I’m sure not everyone she goes after will exactly deserve it. I’m also incredibly intrigued about learning more about this lead character; we see her at two different stages in her life – the present and ten years prior. Then, we get a sneak at her life in between, and all you can do is wonder what happened over those ten years, who is this girl? And that will keep me tuning in.

Prediction: I give this show a 50/50 chance of sticking around. It’s really about if anyone will tune into the first episode or not. I can’t imagine how it will attract viewers mid-season. Fingers crossed we at least get an entire season.

Ringer, The CW – Tuesdays, 8/9c

“Ringer” premiered last Tuesday. You can watch it online at cwtv.com.

CW, you sneaky, sneaky network. I haven’t watched you since 2008 and didn’t miss you at all. And then you bring Buffy back and I’m just supposed to forgive you? Well, it worked. I watched. And I cautiously enjoyed it. Separated twins where one takes over the other’s life is a hot thing right now. Not sure why, but ABC Family is doing it right now with “The Lying Game,” and now we get a double dose of Sarah Michelle Gellar which is certainly not a bad thing. “Ringer” is slightly darker than the cable network’s version, as one twin thinks she’s taking over her dead sister’s life because she feels she needs to in order to survive a very bad man. Soon enough she finds out that her sister’s life isn’t as perfect as she had initially thought.

The show is pretty good; the performances are just tension filled enough and I especially like Ioan Gruffud’s performance as rich sis’ unhappy husband. And SMG does a great job as Bridget who is desperately just trying to survive; though I’m not too crazy about her turn as Siobhan, who comes off as a typical rich bitch. Hopefully, we’ll see more development between these two characters as the show goes on.

The truth here, is that I’m afraid to get attached to this show. I just don’t trust The CW to be able to produce adult shows. Sure, “Supernatural” is great, as was “Smallville,” but these shows have/had elements that forced it to stay true to science fiction and superhero attributes. “Ringer” could easy become “Gossip Girl.” And if that’s the case, I’ll have no problem turning the channel. Because, honestly, there are few things that I want to see less on television than rich people’s problems.

Prediction: The nerd community is not going to let this go anywhere. But if The CW can cancel “Veronica Mars,” it can cancel anything.

Up All Night, NBC – Wednesdays, 7/8c

This show premiered last Wednesday, catch the first show on hulu.com.

Will Arnett and Maya Rudolph in the same show? Do I even need to review this one? Of course I loved it! The only problem is that it’s not on Thursdays. I mean, does NBC really think “Whitney” fits better into their line up? I haven’t seen that show yet, but I’ve got a pretty good idea of where that one is headed.

Anyway, “Up All Night,” is about a couple who just had a baby. It’s a simple plotline that should lend itself well to a half hour program. Christina Applegate plays working mom to Arnett’s stay at home dad, which is a nice change, especially since they have yet to throw it in our faces. “LOOK! Times are changing! TV is catching up, we swear!” And Rudolph is fantastic as the Oprah to Applegate’s Gayle; the tv host/best friend/boss who doesn’t really understand how having a baby can change someone’s life. So far, it’s a cute show, that made me laugh out loud a few times, but my hopes are pretty high for rest of the episodes.

Prediction: This fall season, half of the new shows are situational comedies. This is not the best, but it’s also not the worst, so it could go either way. Hopefully, it will reach its full potential soon, because we all know network TV is not known for its patience, though NBC did show a full season of “Outsourced,” so anything could happen. Also, I really want Arnett to get a show that lasts and that people watch while it’s on the air. It saddens me every time I hear someone talk about catching the really funny “Running Wilde” after it was already canceled. Have faith, NBC, I do!

Free Agents, NBC – Wednesdays, 7:30/8:30c

This premiered last Wednesday as well, you can also watch it on hulu.com.

I first want to say that I have a soft spot for Kathryn Hahn. She was on my favorite show of all time, “Crossing Jordan,” so I want so badly to see her do well. But this isn’t going to do it for her. “Free Agents” wasn’t a bad show, it was just confusing to me. It doesn’t seem like a show made for Network TV; it’s a bit dark and quirky for NBC.

Hank Azaria plays Alex a middle aged, sad man who just got divorced and is looking to “get back on the horse.” Hahn plays Helen, a sarcastic co-worker who is still grieving the death of her fiancé who died suddenly a year ago. Somehow comedy is supposed to arise when the two have a one night stand.

The two leads pull off the material well; it’s believable that they are attracted to one another, but put off by similar baggage. They have a certain amount of chemistry, but it’s hard to get over the sadness inherent in both of their situations. When Alex breaks down and cries when he thinks about his kids, it’s supposed to be funny, but I have a hard time laughing. Perhaps the issue here is that these situations are so true to life that it’s hard to watch and enjoy. So the writers attempt to off set the heavy with supporting characters that are just plain bad. As much as I love seeing Buffy vet Anthony Stewart Head back on my screen, his oversexed boss character is obvious and off-putting. Then add in an angry assistant and a few guys from around the office looking to get Alex laid and you’ve got a recipe for a sitcom that tries too hard.

Prediction: I may give this one a few more chances, because I know it’s hard to introduce all characters in a pilot episode well, but I’m not expecting to like it much more than I already do. And I don’t expect the rest of the viewing public to like it either. I don’t think it’ll last a full season.

The Secret Circle, The CW- Thursdays, 8/9c

“The Secret Circle” began this past Thursday, catch it on Cwtv.com.

Note to TV Networks everywhere: if you want to suck me into a show about supernatural forces or whathaveyou, be super creepy in the first ten minutes; it also helps to kill a parent off early so I can feel sympathy and root for the main character – combine the two and I will DVR the Hell out of your show. “The Secret Circle” is a show that I can trust The CW with; it’s about teenagers who discover they are witches and create themselves a coven. Britt Robertson plays Cassie, the new girl in town that the “circle” needs to complete itself and become more powerful. Robertson is good as the lead; she mixes the excitement of this newfound experience with the distrust of the others in the situation very well, probably because she’s not actually sixteen she’s able to play a parentless, confused child with honesty and a convincing pout.

Unfortunately, the rest of the cast isn’t as convincing. You could throw a dime at your TV and hit an overactor; but this The CW, so you shouldn’t expect Emmy worthy performances.

This show was created by Kevin Williamson, the man behind “Dawson’s Creek” and the Scream franchise; which is not surprising as “The Secret Circle” could easily be a mixture of the two, a little bit of creepy, a little bit of teen angst, but then add some cool effects and you have an interesting show aimed at teenagers that delivers an enjoyable forty-five minutes of TV.

Prediction: Paired up with “The Vampire Diaries,” I don’t see how this couldn’t do well, besides being on a really busy night of television. I guess we’ll have to wait and see with this one, but I’m hoping for at least a full season before The CW makes a decision either way.


And that’s it this week! Next week will be interesting, as there are a lot of premieres of both new and old shows. Here’s hoping my DVR doesn’t explode.

Click Here, Nimrods...

Monday, August 8, 2011

Girthy Grindhouse Guy Presents: Drive Angry (2011, Patrick Lussier)

One of the greatest things in life is its absurdity and uncertainty that inevitably come with it. My life (since you asked) has been a series of stages. First, I ignored the absurdity. After that I spent a lot of time attempting to understand the uncertainty, which effectively led me to fear it. Ultimately, I decided it was best to embrace the absurdity, ignore the uncertainty, and move on with life in a hilarious way. Fortunately, (or unfortunately for some of you) I’ve never looked back. That happened around 7th grade. Now I know what you’re thinking—“How did a 12 year old boy possibly travel through that much spiritual turmoil and come out a fully formed adult?” The answer is simple. I didn’t. I am now an addict of nonsense and insanity. To me, media is best when it is subversive, absurd, and downright insane.

All three of the aforementioned adjectives apply to Patrick Lussier’s Drive Angry (Also known as Drive Angry 3D, but I never saw it that way). I never got a chance to see this film in theatres, and it is something I will regret for the rest of my life. While Drive Angry is most certainly one of the greatest (if not THE greatest) Grindhouse films I’ve ever seen, it is also one of the best films I’ve seen, PERIOD. I bought the film on DVD, and upon watching it once with my roommate and a very close friend, (neither of whom enjoyed the film until I explained the Grindhouse “revival” to them) I had a revelation: all of the absurdity and uncertainty I had processed in my life was validated. All my life I feared death, surrounded myself with it in attempt to figure out how this life would end, and ultimately I was content with shrugging it off, crossing that bridge when I got to it. This film single-handedly solved that crisis and forever cemented my absurdist views.

Drive Angry is the tale of John Milton (played by Nicolas Cage and yes, a literary reference), a man who has broken out of hell to save the life of his kidnapped granddaughter. The little girl faces death; her mother being killed so that this gigantic piece of shit named Jonah King would have no obstacles in offering the child up to Satan. Well that just didn’t sit well with Milton. He comes back and begins rampaging through his old stomping grounds (Earth), exacting all kinds of gruesome revenge on the assholes that took his granddaughter. Milton is described to us as a close friend and a bad husband, but a very good father—one who loved his daughter more than life itself. Essentially, John was a good man (how he ended up in Hell is beyond me), but he got mixed up with some bad people, leading not only to his own demise, but the estrangement and untimely death of his daughter, who tried to find a place to fit in and fill that void left by her father. So, in order to right all of his past wrongs, Milton is fucking bad people up to save the only thing he deems good in this world. Also, this movie definitely serves to prove that Mr. Cage is still one of the best actors ever. People seem to think he has fallen off or that he can’t act. WRONG. Nicolas. Cage. Is. The. Man. However, Cage gets overshadowed by a couple of characters in the film, most notably, Piper.

Piper is going to get a couple paragraphs to herself. She’s that important and that cool. Piper is played by none other than Amber Heard, probably best known as the unbelievably cool girlfriend to Seth Rogen in Pineapple Express, and she owns the hell out of the part. Heard has always been very beautiful, especially in The Informers (the film is a one out of four stars, but Ms. Heard and her body are a ten out of four), and she has actually displayed the ability to act during her career, which is incredibly refreshing, but it's unfathomable how attractive she is in this movie. To be perfectly honest, after seeing Amber Heard in Drive Angry, all other women got downgraded (in terms of that totally arbitrary, entirely unscientific “out-of-ten” system that males (including me apparently) love to use). I’m telling you, it is nearly impossible for me to stay respectful and decent with this, because it LITERALLY exploded a few nerve endings in my head (you get it) when she came into frame. Upon showing my father, he said, “You just like her because she shoots guns and drives cool cars.” Guess what, Dad? YOU’RE EXACTLY RIGHT.

Let’s get past how sinfully gorgeous Ms. Heard is and dive into how awesome she is in the film. Piper is Milton’s side-kick(ass). She is the epitome of an all-star. Piper can drive better than, fight fiercer than, and has bigger “balls” (another non-scientific, arbitrary system men use, but this time it measures courage) than any man alive. She is the victim of an abusive boyfriend, but it ultimately brings her to the point where she doesn’t need one—she is an independent woman, able to take care of herself. Her introduction shows her vice-gripping the testicles of a very “rape-y” boss, beating the shit out of some slut sleeping with her man, and ultimately standing up for herself and fighting back when said man hits her. Then, throughout the course of the film, she bails Milton out, saves his life, cracks skulls, and generally dominates everybody’s ass. By the end of the film we see Piper as a woman who stands up for and helps John Milton save his granddaughter. In summation, Piper does all the best shit: kicks ass, takes names, and does what’s right. AWESOME.

Another part of the film is this ridiculous-but-wicked-cool gun called the “God Killer.” It is a gun that apparently makes you non-existent if you get hit with one of its bullets. No Heaven, no Hell, just GONE. It is employed in the film hilariously and its final use is one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen in a movie. That’s all I’m saying about it, because you need to see it in action. Words can’t describe how cool it is.

Here is where the film becomes an “Existential Essential” (more on that ALL NEW section later) for me. Milton is from HELL. He breaks out to do what is right, and ultimately goes back to HELL. That seems like a real shitty ending, right? Wrong. What not only justifies that system, but also makes this film totally worthwhile, is a character that has been referenced by some as a potential Oscar contender: The Accountant. Basically an agent of Satan, The Accountant is on a mission to collect anybody who escapes Hell. In this instance he is after John Milton, our not so handsome and wonderful protagonist. He has no problem dishing out death at every turn, but to him it is a business. He is keeping the books on hell. He knows when and where people are going to die, but he has no problems delaying or accelerating that process. He marauds around like a detective on the hunt for Milton, leaving no stone unturned. He is so adamant about getting Milton back, that he drives a giant chemical truck into a police blockade so as to keep them from detaining him. Then, at the end of the film, having all but detained Milton, the Accountant lets him go and exact his revenge on Jonah King and his satanic cult. This is where the movie, for me at least, transcended its goofiness and actually had meaning to me. The Accountant allowed Milton to finish, knowing he would take him back to Hell anyway. Hell has always been portrayed to me as the worst imaginable place, where you suffer endlessly at the hands of evil beasts. In Drive Angry, I was presented a version of Hell where the beasts are merely men and while eternally damned, they are still SOULS. Milton says in one of the closing moments of the film, “even in Hell there is compassion.” For a fat kid who deals with the fear of death daily, this was something for me to get behind. I know its no more correct than any other film produced, but Drive Angry attacked the concepts of damnation, eternal suffering, Satan, and Hell with an absurdity and humor that allow me to deal with them in a safe place. I can laugh and joke about the things that frighten me most. I mean, there is a gun called the “God Killer.” It's totally ridiculous, but it’s also exactly what I needed.

To summarize it neatly for those who skip to the end of these things, Drive Angry is far and away the best film of 2011 thus far. It is also a contender for Best Movie Ever Made. I realize this sounds ridiculous, but I will stand by that conclusion as long as I live. The film allowed me personally to exorcise some serious demons, allowed me to have my mind blown by some cool action sequences (which I purposely didn’t spoil so that you may watch and have the same mind blowing experience), laugh heartily at the send-ups to the genre as well as revel in the lunacy of the whole thing, and last but certainly not least, I got to see the most beautiful woman alive, in tandem with the coolest dude alive, kick the shit out of some poor assholes who desperately deserved it.

Drive Angry is not only a perfect movie in my eyes, but it is the first film to win the Palm D’Gore, an award I am giving to the best Grindhouse movies of all time.
|-|Palm D'Gore|-|
*****/****

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